Today is a Day

Today is a day I feel very sick.

I feel sick every single day. I have felt sick every single day for many years.

But some days, like today, I have moments when I feel like it might be the last day. Obviously whenever I have felt that it hasn’t been true, so far, but someday it will be.

Any of you who know me much at all know I have Lyme Disease. I had it for 6 years before anyone knew what was wrong, and so it got a hold in my brain and in at least some organs, and my general trend has been slowly downward, as far as health goes. It is likely Lyme is what will kill me.

It’s not that there’s no hope for remission. There is. I hope I get there. But I’m not really feeling it today.

But this post is not about Lyme.

This post is about death. But it is not meant to be sad, nor to make anyone sad.

There are moments when I want to die. When I am so sick that I know death would be a great relief. But I still have a strong underlying will to live. I’m not ready to leave you all yet!  But, I have also felt for years that if that will goes away, I will die. I know it is God keeping me alive. He has told me that many times. But I also think if that will inside me dies, that he will honor that. God never forces me, he only persuades me.

Every time I write a blog post, I think about what I want people I love to know now and when I am gone. But before I die, what do I want people to know the very most? I am going to try now to say some of those things. Both my practical wishes and more spiritual and emotional thoughts.

And a lot of it is stuff I want everyone who knows me to know, so I put it here on my blog instead of just telling a few family privately.

I am grateful. For everything. For every moment of my life, and for everything that I have experienced. I can say that in this moment. In the midst of my desperate moments, I can’t always say that. But in this calm moment, and looking back at every hard thing, I can say it and mean it with my whole soul.

In one of my very most desperate moments, when all I could do was try to keep breathing and pray without even words, the Lord took my mind to a place where I could see that everything was as it should be, and that we are all one in some profound way, and that Love has us in its arms.

I try to remember that. It’s not always easy.

I read this article, and I have some things to say pertaining to what it talks about.

I have watched my child die, and I have watched my Mother die. I tried to be there when my Father died, but I was too late. It was a privilege to be with my son and my Mom. I hope that it helped them to feel my great love for them as they moved on. I hope that someone who loves me dearly will be with me when I die. I believe someone will, even if there happens to not be someone mortal there at the time.

As for medical wishes, I know that advance directives might not do very well at actually describing what should be done in the end of life. My Mom’s was not written the way it needed to be to honor her wishes. Thankfully she was awake and lucid that last day and could tell them what not to do.

So, while I want to live now, there are some states I would not want to live in. I do not want to live in continuous terror. I do not want to live in continuous excruciating pain. I do not want to live if my mind is gone. If my mind is there, but everything else is gone, particularly the ability to communicate, let me go to sleep and move on.

If you happen to be with me when I am dying, talk to me. Even if you think I can’t hear you, talk to me. Tell me how you feel. Tell me about yourself. If you can’t think of anything to say, then read to me. Or play me talks you know I would like. Rub my back or my feet, if it seems to feel good to me, and if it doesn’t gross you out too much 🙂 . I want to die at home with my comfort managed, if at all possible.

When I die, donate my organs and tissues to those who study Lyme Disease, if possible. Don’t spend any more money than absolutely necessary on me after death! I am fine with being buried just in my flannel pajamas and no coffin or anything. Or cremate me and pour my ashes in some pretty place. I want my family to do whatever they want that is easiest for them. If there is a memorial service or something like that (only if you want to have one), then sing for me, if you feel like it, and I will be listening.

All I ask is that before you do any of those things, make sure I am really dead. I was too affected by reading Poe’s “Premature Burial” in my youth 🙂 .  (I also realize some of this stuff needs to go in a will.)

If you think you have ever hurt me, offended me, upset me, etc., Let It Go! I have prayed many nights that no one would ever be condemned for anything they have done to me, that they would be blessed with the greatest possible blessings, and with whatever was best for them. I have been abused, molested, raped, robbed, shunned, berated, humiliated, treated terribly, and horribly misunderstood. So have a lot of people. If you have done any of those things to me, you either actually haven’t, or I forgive you. I only think back about those things in terms of what I have learned, or can learn, if I think of them at all. I have learned a lot from it all. My hard times have been a blessing.

If you have ever loved or helped me in any way, I am so thankful to you! More than I can say! I have prayed many nights for you to have the greatest possible blessings, and whatever is best for you. I have been cherished, healed, gently cared for, blessed, befriended, helped in huge financial and so many other ways, and dearly loved. I wish those things for everyone. I have learned so much from everyone who has been so good to me. My good times have been a blessing.

If I have ever harmed you in any way, please forgive me. I am foolish and human. It would be too long a list if I wrote all my faults. If you know me, you know at least some of them. For your own peace, forgive me. And also know that my desire my whole life has been to never hurt anyone. I have, of course, failed miserably. But that has been my desire.

I remember that my Step-Father told my Mother that if they had an argument, and if he died before they could make up, to not feel badly or guilty about that. To me, that was beautiful. I say the same. Whatever our circumstances at the time I die, know that I have only love for any of you who know me, and anything less is not the truth, it is just a hindrance of mortality, and I don’t plan on taking anything but love for everyone with me. So have no regrets and no guilt because of me.

I have the best family and friends ever. Every one of you, living and dead. You are all the best. You are all perfect for me. I would not change any of you. I would wish for you all to be happier, and healthier, and more peaceful, and to know more truth to delight your souls, but I also know God has you. They have you.

The path of my life has been perfect for me, and I trust that it will continue to be. Even if I whine about it.

Whenever I die, I believe it will be the right time. I know some people will be very sad. That is okay. It is always worth the pain to love. I hope you will have comfort in knowing I loved you dearly and you made my life wonderful. But don’t get sad yet. I’m still here!

I do intend to live many more years. I am not that old (although it may seem I am to my younger family and friends 🙂 ), and the disease I have is sometimes possible to get under control. I am doing lots of things right now to get well, and some of that might actually be making me feel temporarily worse, which prompted this post. So have lots of hope for me. And I look forward to writing lots more on this blog!

It makes me glad to have written this.  Thank you for reading it.

And when we do die, we’ll just be coming home again to each other.

“But when I stop
And see you here
I remember who all this was for
And from now on
These eyes will not be blinded by the lights
From now on
What’s waited till tomorrow starts tonight
It starts tonight
And let this promise in me start
Like an anthem in my heart
From now on
From now on
From now on
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!
And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home, again!”

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2 Responses to Today is a Day

  1. John says:

    Everything I love about you Sara. Thanks for saving me, healing me with you love. You have! :0)
    John

    Like

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